


The Halite Sessions

by RiverDelta



Series: SNAKE PEOPLE: THE SERIES [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:24:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9488897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverDelta/pseuds/RiverDelta
Summary: So apparently I, the single best historian on all of Homeworld and exposer of the Snake People and Technocracy conspiracies, need 'therapy' or something. Which I didn't know was a thing, since there aren't any therapists on this glorious planet we call Homeworld. So basically I need to go and talk to my pearl about my life or something?Great!If there's one thing I like to do, it's talk about myself.I don't know why more people don't do therapy. Honestly.





	

The motel room they'd rented at the Violet City Motel outside of town was messy, to put it lightly. The bed was covered in freshwater, history books littered the floor like so many bits of waste and refuse, there were strange blue stains on the walls, and if the occupants didn't pay significantly above the proper rate, they would probably not be allowed to use the room at all. Or they might be accused of destruction of property.

However, the occupants had access to large stores of nonsapient gems (as well as some complex and thoroughly stupid economic bullshit), so they stayed. In that tan room that looked perpetually like a hurricane had it it, two Gems sat. The smaller one, a thin brown pearl in a functional but flowing beige dress, sat on the bed, hands in her lap, while the other one, a lanky sheet-white one with yellow eyes and bits of brown and even some blue on her, sat in the large chocolate-brown chair in the corner of the room. Champagne Pearl and Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3. The aide to the self-declared 'best historian on Homeworld', and the Gem herself.

Halite began to speak. "So, as I was saying, I really don't see why people think it's weird that I wanna make out with the rebel Amethyst. One, she has a whip and ties people up. Two, she's defective, so in her case that apparently makes her really curvy and attractive. Three, she's really, really confident. Four...Did I mention her being attractive and tying people up with whips? She can interrogate me any-" 

Champagne snapped her fingers to hopefully break Halite out of her rambling state, and Halite glared at Champagne in response. "Hey!" She said. "I own you. You can't be...doing that."

"We're on Earth. Homeworld's laws don't apply. What happens here stays here." Champagne shrugged. Halite stopped at that and responded. "That sounds treasonous. What are you, planning to treason me? Traitor?" Champagne sighed, then spoke. "It's simple logic. An area outside of law enforcement is outside of law in all practicality, which leaves custom in place. Custom dictates that a pearl is an object and you are not, but given that I ghostwrite your writing, clean your home and your motel room, comfort you in times of distress, go to the ration depots for supplies, and fill out the myriad legal datawork you can't be bothered with, we've abandoned that flimsy pretense long ago."

"Wanna make out?"

"What?" Champagne sighed at this, assuming that this was typical Halite nonsense. It probably was.

"I mean, if I don't technically own you here, we can make out."

"...Why are you bringing this up to me now?"

"I kind of didn't realize that I actually could until you brought it up."

"I said that Homeworld's laws didn't apply here. I didn't say anything about us making out."

"But do you wanna?"

"Give me a moment to think about that. Far more importantly, I felt that you should probably know that, given that we're on Earth and I already do everything for you, you might also like my services as a therapist."

"What's a therapist?"

"It's a human concept. A psychological professional who listens to people's problems and helps them with mental illness."

"Well, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't have any problems."

"Of course you aren't. However, everyone could use a therapist."

"Since when are you a therapist?" Halite asked, skeptical. She changed her position in that old chair, and now lay across it, legs falling off of one armrest. "This is uncomfortable." She shuffled back to her original position. Champagne shrugged. "It's either me or you keep spending human money to find an actual therapist who takes space aliens. Halite, I think it might be helpful for you."

"If I therapist-" 

"Not a verb."

"If I talk to you as a therapist, can we also begin the obvious?"

"I'll consider it. Let me just clean up this room and we can begin our first session, if that's alright with you."

"Do I get ice cream during therapy?"

"I'll get you some ice cream as well."

"I thought you weren't a servant here." Halite said, with some strange note of triumphant smugness. Champagne tilted her head. "...I'm not, but you tend not to be bothered with these kinds of mundane things."

Halite did a little fist pump. "Ice cream and makeouts! It's kind of a shame that this place is going to be completely destroyed. Earth isn't terrible. It's no glorious Homeworld, but it's got ice cream."

"That's an interesting way to value planets."

"It all fits under the Halite Scale of Planetary Development. Homeworld's 100, an asteroid's 0. Earth is like...29."

"I assume you have good reasons for that ranking."

"Oh yeah. It's really complicated. You probably wouldn't understand it. Being a pearl."

"If you want to make out you should cut down on statements like that."

"Slag. You're right. You probably wouldn't understand it, not being an expert in sociology like I am."

"That's bett- Since when are you a sociologist?" Champagne distinctly could not remember Halite ever studying sociology in any capacity.

"It flows from history naturally. Obviously. Understand one, you understand the other. What's history? The study of people. Same with sociology. So they're basically the same discipline."

"How come you don't put 'Homeworld's Greatest Historian and Sociologist' in your title?"

"Too long. Also, sociology isn't as good for exposing conspiracies and ranting about that worthless stupid Peridot and her constant view of Amethyst!" Halite's fists balled up as she spoke.

Champagne paused at that. "You could definitely benefit with some therapy."


End file.
